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From the Salt Lake Tribune, Saturday, November 21, 1998
BY ROBERT KIRBY, SALT LAKE TRIBUNE COLUMNIST
As usual, Mormons are lagging behind the rest of the nation. America has already reached the
point where talk-show guests are beating up each other on camera, and we Mormons don't have
one decent talk show.
It would be easy. Mormons are already wired with a talk-show mentality. After all, it's just like
a fast and testimony meeting, only with a host and a question-and-answer period at the end. Like
a Sunday School class only with special guests who have extremely stupid problems.
Host/teacher: ``So what was it that shook your testimony?''
Male guest: ``She didn't wait for me while I was on my mission.''
Female guest: ``I waited. You just came home bald and pious. I said no way am I marrying
that.''
Audience: Mixed applause, groans and amens.
The hardest part in putting together Mormon talk shows would have to be the attention span of
the average Mormon audience. It's not too short -- it's way too long. We take great comfort in
hearing the same thing over and over.
Shows that switch subjects too often, say more than once a season, risk intimidating and losing
most of their Utah audience. On the other hand, there's certainly no dearth of shock subjects to
appear on Mormon talk shows. There are Mormons who voted for Bill Clinton. Mormons with
only one child. Mormons who pay tithing on their net income. Mormons who have seen an
R-rated movie. Mormons who go to the University of Utah. The list of seamy stuff to gab about
is endless.
With the LDS Church growing by leaps and bonds (sic), Mormon talk shows are inevitable.
The time to plan them is now, before the rest of the talk shows return to a respectable format and
we lose our market advantage. Here's a sampling of possible Mormon talk shows. Keep in mind
that really meaningful subjects are taboo. You don't want to change people's lives for the better,
you don't even necessarily want to make them feel good. The desired result is to make them mad
enough to go home teaching with a gun. After all, this isn't about salvation, it's about ratings.
-- O'PRAY! -- Relief Society talk show to help women cope with the travails of the modern
age. Top subjects would be child rearing in the '90s, getting by without the priesthood, and ``I
had a career and a testimony.'' Shock gimmick: on-camera therapy for chronic recipe violators.
-- ELDER JONES -- Geared toward problems particular to the young Mormon male. Lots of
potential subjects. Missions: to go or no. How much red is too much red in a necktie? Does
praying for a transfer thwart God's plan? Don't miss the season premier, ``Wingtips in the
Wilderness.'' Shock gimmick: Receiving a mission call live to Utah, Salt Lake City.
-- BISHOP RICK -- Why tell your darkest secrets to just one person? Why not tell them to
Bishop Rick and the rest of the world? Hey, the ward is going to find out about them sooner or
later anyway. Shock gimmick: Audience votes whether or not to disfellowship humiliated guest
at end of show.
-- THE LEMONTEL SMOOT SHOW -- Mainstreaming extreme Mormon behavior. Potential
king of the Mormon shock subjects. How to start your own church. On-camera introduction of
polygamous wives to each other. Field-stripping the Scriptures. Season premiere: Manic in
Manti. Shock gimmick: General authority assault weapon tips.
-- PAT & KIRBY SHOW -- Really weird Mormon stuff. Canceled by KBYU and KSL.
Salt Lake Tribune columnist Robert Kirby lives in Springville. The self-described
``OxyMormon'' welcomes mail at P.O. Box 684, Springville, UT 84663, or e-mail at
rkirby@sltrib.com.
Page Modified September 22, 1998