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Saturday, October 31, 1998
If They Listen to Me, LDS Leaders' Responses to Your Next Letters Might Lack That
Personal Touch
ROBERT KIRBY
A couple of weeks ago, a letter from LDS Church authorities was read in the ward I was
attending. The gist of it was that the volume of mail sent to the Brethren by members had gotten
out of hand, and would we please knock it off.
Members who were inclined to send mail to the Brethren were asked to refer their queries to
local leaders instead. Well, OK. I don't know what my bishop is going to do with a card that says
``Happy Birthday, President Boyd K. Packer,'' but I will give it a try.
As a recipient of lots of religious-type mail myself, I understand completely. Religion is a very
complex subject. Nothing makes it harder to keep the spirit than a bunch of people sending you
stuff like a photocopy of a cat's butt.
Unfortunately, I have no local leaders to refer mail queries to. If you send a gospel missive to
me, I have to handle it on my own. Unless, of course, I can get Antoinette or Julie in the
newsroom to do it for me. But, since they both quit talking to me after the package containing the
small but highly dead carp arrived, fat chance.
In order to respond personally to the mail I get here at The Tribune, it was necessary to
develop a form letter. The form contains a number of possible responses, ranging from ``You are
my best friend'' to ``Get bent!'' I simply check the appropriate box and fire it off.
While I would not suggest that an LDS Church leader duplicate my system exactly (mainly
because I might sue them), they could, however, use something similar.
Toward this end, I have prepared a sample Church Leader Personal Response To Member
form:
Dear Brother/Sister:
-- Church policy on this sacred matter will never/someday change.
-- There is no such thing as a tithing deduction. Nice try.
-- No.
-- Mark Hofmann who?
-- No, you may not base jump from the Church Office Building.
-- One last time: men, young boys, non-member males, assorted other male primates, THEN
women.
-- The answer to that and many other important gospel questions is Jacob 1:12.
-- My money says BYU by a touchdown.
-- Though this change of heart is pleasing unto the Lord, you still may not have your job back.
-- Judas Iscariot, Homer Simpson, or the Democrat of your choice.
-- The question of space creatures and the priesthood will be decided when we actually meet
some.
-- ``Baghdad-Iraq South'' means exactly what it says.
-- Alice Cooper was never a member of the church.
-- Although we appreciate your efforts, blood atonement is no longer an alternative to 100
percent home teaching.
-- There is no such thing as a ``one and only true NFL team.''
-- Denying the spirit, heroin, Sunstone, murder; in that order.
-- I think you actually meant to send this to: .
-- Really small rocks.
-- Yes, Robert Kirby is very lucky that Porter Rockwell is dead.
Sincerely/Faithfully/Get Thee Hence,
Signed:
FINAL NOTE: I would like the record to show that I did not actually mail this to any of my
many church leaders. Not that it matters. I will probably hear back from them anyway.
Salt Lake Tribune columnist Robert Kirby lives in Springville. The self-described
``OxyMormon'' welcomes mail at P.O. Box 684, Springville, UT 84663, or e-mail at
rkirby(AT)sltrib.com.
Page Modified November 2, 1998