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February 20, 1999
BY ROBERT KIRBY SALT LAKE TRIBUNE COLUMNIST
I still remember the solemn advice my dad gave me when I turned 12 and was ordained a deacon. We were headed to church, where I would pass the sacrament for the first time. He saw that I was nervous.
"Big responsibility," Dad said in his best imitation general-authority voice. "Embarrass your mother, and I'll kill you."
This sounds bad, but in reality my old man just knew his 12-year-olds. He understood how hard it was to get young boys to pay attention, never mind be spiritual. And this particular 12-year-old had, only the week before, brought a snake to church.
Some people, idiots mostly, would have you believe that a major transformation occurs when an LDS boy turns 12 and receives the priesthood. He immediately becomes more mature, more spiritual, more obedient. At any rate, less of a lunatic.
Not even. While it's statistically possible (current Vegas odds: 1 in 13 billion), I have never heard of this happening. Not to anyone I know and certainly not to me.
It took two Sundays for the novelty of passing the sacrament and fear of my father's counsel to wear off. Then I got bored. And as any 12-year-old kid will tell you, boredom is to spirituality what the Goths were to Rome.
On the third Sunday, Larry Leavitt and I managed to arrange it so that Leon Krygowski had to pass the sacrament while suffering from a potentially spine-damaging wedgy. Seeing him tearfully gimp along the aisles was worth every whack we got for it later.
Because the statute of limitations in the LDS Church lasts for time and all eternity, I won't bore you with the details of other church crimes I committed as a member of the Aaronic (Ironic) Priesthood. Some of them will undoubtedly keep me out of the celestial kingdom.
Apparently things haven't changed in the Aaronic Priesthood ranks. There is a move to crack down not only on patently irreverent behavior such as that just described, but individualism in appearance as well.
Proof is the uniform deacons must now wear: white shirts, neck ties, slacks, missionary hairdos, and, if my bishop had his way, the earring holes in their ears and nostrils permanently closed with Super Glue.
I knew there was a push on to have deacons dress in these general-authority starter kits, but I didn't realize how drastic the situation had gotten until I visited a Sandy ward a few months ago. I think it was the Stepford Wives Ninth Ward.
Seriously, the deacons there not only wore matching ties, they turned corners in the aisles like they were walking a beat in Arlington National Cemetery. My guess is that their bishop has been doing too much thinking out of the left side of his brain.
Maybe it's me, but I don't remember there being such a strict dress code to pass the sacrament when I was a kid. We used whoever showed up, including the Leavitt brothers. It was a Huck Finn approach to reverence, but we got the job done.
I can't blame someone for wanting to ride herd on deacons, but if we keep going this way it's only a matter of time before we start seeing official hair color, deacon fashion tips and random drug testing.
Sure, this will help keep snakes and wedgies out of church, but it might also chase off a lot of right-brain deacons. Do that long enough and pretty soon what you got is a church more interested in what than why. That's bad because we already have a federal government.
Salt Lake Tribune columnist Robert Kirby lives in Springville. The self-described "OxyMormon" welcomes mail at P.O. Box 684, Springville, UT 84663, or e-mail at rkirby(AT)sltrib.com.
Page Modified February 20, 1999