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Kirby: It's Hard to Get That Temple Recommend When Your Bishop Is Your Former Friend Fishing Partner Saturday, February 12, 2000
BY ROBERT KIRBY SALT LAKE TRIBUNE COLUMNIST
Saw my bishop the other night. It was the standard temple recommend interview thing. He didn't give me one, if that's what you're thinking.
When they made my little brother a bishop last week, I started thinking that nothing about church could be worse than getting ecclesiastically grilled by a family member. Turns out that there is.
Most of you probably have quasi-normal bishops. By that I mean men who, if they aren't towering spiritual giants, at least have never hit you in the face with a dead fish. Not on purpose anyway.
Normal bishops are able to maintain a certain proper distance in their relationships with ward members. This distance sometimes makes it easier to answer questions regarding your worthiness to attend the temple.
For example, if you've only known your bishop as "Brother Wunkle," the nice, dignified BYU professor on the next street, it's easier to tell him personal stuff because chances are he will cut you some slack. Even better, he won't know if you fib a little.
Bishop Wunkle: "Do you pay a full tithing?"
You: "Well, I try. I only make $ 8 a year working for Novell."
Bishop Wunkle: "That's fine."
It's not so easy if your bishop is also your former friend and fishing partner, as is the case of me and Bishop Don Bone. Many of the interview questions are moot points long before we start.
Bishop Don and I hold the LDS Church record for the fastest temple recommend interview of a non-apostate. Here's an official court transcript of how it went.
Him: "Kirb, do you have a testimony of God and . . . oh, never mind. You must have one. You keep coming to church even though it drives you nuts."
Me: "Yeah."
Him: "Do you support and sustain the first presidency of the church, the apostles and your local leaders, including Brother Rawle, who we both know needs to be hit on the head."
Me: "A lot.
Him: "Now, what about tithing? I know you aren't paying what you're supposed to. Look at these forms. Heck, you're lucky Heavenly Father hasn't killed you by now."
Me: "Uh--"
Him: So, I figure that the money I owe you for the Super Bowl should go right into this envelope. That will take care of part of it."
Me: "But--"
Him: "And there's this question about how you treat your family, but I already know you're more scared of them than they are of you. You still got that knot on your head?"
Me: "No, this is a new one."
Him: "I probably don't need to ask if you are affiliated with any apostate or godless groups other than the Cedar City Communist Party, The Tribune, Sunstone and Pat Bagley."
Me: "They aren't--"
Him: "Oh, and no way am I asking you this question about moral conduct. Last time, you spent two hours lying to me about some affair you had with Michelle Pfeifer. The woman doesn't even know you're alive."
Me: "Does too. We went to Cancun and . . . "
Him: "Don't even start. We need to talk about the Word of Wisdom, which I know for a fact is a problem for you. Don't try and tell me that was hot chocolate I saw you drinking at 7-Eleven."
Me: " I was just holding it for--"
Him: "That's what I thought. You can't have a temple recommend. C'mon, let's go shoot some hoops in the cultural hall before the Relief Society gets here."
Page Modified February 13, 2000