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What might happen if the LDS Church employed Microsoft to run a help-line
For some light relief, this is what I think might happen if the Mormon Church could employ
Microsoft to run a help-line on its behalf.
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Sound of phone ringing.
RECORDED VOICE: Welcome to the Mormon help-line. To enable us to service your request more efficiently if you have a Kolob button on your handset please press it now.
Caller presses star button (close enough).
RECORDED VOICE: Thank you. Now please select from the following services. Press 1 if you have found a problem with Mormon doctrine, press 2 if you wish to sustain a church Elder through our electronic voting system, press 3 if you want to send us a compliment.
Caller selects 1.
RECORDED VOICE: Sorry, you have selected incorrectly, please try again.
Caller selects 1 again.
RECORDED VOICE: Sorry, you have selected incorrectly, please try again.
Caller selects 2 (just for fun).
RECORDED VOICE: Thank you. Your vote in favour of whatever candidate we choose has been recorded.
Please select another service.
Caller selects 3.
Sound of recorded music -If I you could hie to Kolob.
RECORDED VOICE: Please hold, your call is important to us and one of our priesthood holders will be with you shortly.
Recorded music continues.
RECORDED VOICE: Sorry to keep you waiting for time and all eternity. All our priesthood holders are currently busy. Please have your testimony ready, we will be with you shortly.
If I you could hie to Kolob plays for the fifteenth time.
Sound of caller snoring.
HELP-LINE: Hello, Mormon help-line. How may I serve you?
CALLER: Oh, Hi, well, I seem to have a problem with my Mormon faith.
HELP-LINE: OK, can you tell how you caused the problem?
CALLER: Sorry?
HELP-LINE: What did you do wrong?
CALLER: I don't think I've done anything wrong. Anyway, don't you need to know what version I have?
HELP-LINE: No, we don't need to bother with that, there's only one version.
CALLER: Really? Are you sure?
HELP-LINE: Yes, definitely. Trust me, there's only ever been one version. Where did you get your faith?
CALLER: My parents gave it to me. I think they got it from some door to door salesmen. I'm sure its been upgraded with new versions since then though.
HELP-LINE: You're mistaken.
CALLER: Really? I'm sure the reference section has been upgraded. There used to be a section on adding multiple accessories but it's disappeared. There was also a bit about what colours you could use but that seem to have gone too.
HELP-LINE: There might have been a maintenance release
CALLER: So it has been upgraded then?
HELP-LINE: No, its just been corrected.
CALLER: I see. So the old version was wrong then?
HELP-LINE: No, that one was correct too.
CALLER: Eh?
HELP-LINE: Its quite simple. There is only one version, and it is correct. OK?
CALLER: If you say so, but I'm sure some of my friends have different versions. Some of my Female friends say bits of their faith don't work as well for them as they do for their husbands.
HELP-LINE: Like I told you, we only make one version. It is suitable for all our users.
CALLER: But don't your users have different requirements?
HELP-LINE: Probably, but they are all quite happy with their faith as delivered.
CALLER: So you don't get many complaints?
HELP-LINE: No. You are are the first actually.
CALLER: That can't be right. I read a magazine article that said people have been having problems with it for years.
HELP-LINE: Lies, all lies.
CALLER: But why would anyone make up lies like that?
HELP-LINE: They are probably just jealous because they know that their own faith isn't of such a high quality. Anyway, not everyone is qualified to receive our faith. We don't just hand it out to anyone you know. You should think yourself lucky you've even got one.
CALLER: Oh, I see. So nobody else has found any problems?
HELP-LINE: No. Sounds like it may just be something you are
are doing wrong.
CALLER: Well, I am pretty careful with it. I only take it out on Sundays and most times it works OK, just the same as everyone else's; but recently I've been finding things that look like they've been changed, and bits keep disappearing.
HELP-LINE: Sounds to me like there's nothing wrong with your faith. You're just not looking after it properly.
CALLER: I do my best, but it's very complicated.
HELP-LINE: Have you read the manual?
CALLER: Yes, I read it ages ago. I can't say I understood it all though.
HELP-LINE: You're not supposed to understand it. It's too technical for you. Actually I meant have you read the manual today. You are supposed to read it everyday.
CALLER: Every day? Why?
HELP-LINE: (sigh). Look, how are you ever going to understand how it works if you don't read the instructions?
CALLER: I guess. Sorry
HELP-LINE: That's better. Now tell me again what's wrong
CALLER: Well, I don't think its working properly. Its theology section seems to be full of holes.
HELP-LINE: You haven't been using any other faiths have you. You know Mormon faith is incompatible with all the others?
CALLER: Well, I did have a look at a couple of others, but I haven't used any of them.
HELP-LINE: That's your problem then.
CALLER: How? I told you I didn't use any of them.
HELP-LINE: Doesn't matter. Just thinking about them can cause problems. I'ts all in the manuals.
CALLER: Oh, I didn't realise, sorry. Maybe if I went to the user-group conference that would help.
HELP-LINE: Well, if you like, but we'll have to send you a questionnaire to complete first to make sure you're worthy to attend.
CALLER: Worthy?
HELP-LINE: Yes, you have to get all the questions right or you can't go. And don't lie, we'll know.
CALLER: How will you know?
HELP-LINE: We just will.
CALLER: You sent one of my friends a questionnaire. He lied and he got to go.
HELP-LINE: Impossible. We would have known. Our local representative would have spotted it. Our CEO is in constant touch with him.
CALLER: Honestly, he did!
HELP-LINE: Sorry. Not possible.
CALLER: Look, I'm just not happy with your service. Maybe I will have to look into getting a different faith.
HELP-LINE: Well, that's up to you, but I can tell you now that all the other ones are faulty. And we'll send someone round to take away your current one and you can't have it back.
CALLER: You can't do that!
HELP-LINE: Yes we can. Read the small print.
CALLER: I'll buy a new one.
HELP-LINE: We won't let you have a new one. You'll find it pretty difficult to get by without a faith, you know.
CALLER: Other people seem to manage
HELP-LINE: Don't worry, we've got them on our mailing list. Oh, sorry.... I forgot to check; have you been paying your monthly maintenance charges?
CALLER: Emmm, no. I thought you said it didn't need maintenance?
HELP-LINE: You still need to pay!
CALLER: What for?
HELP-LINE: Think of it as insurance.
CALLER: Against what?
HELP-LINE: Your own failure to maintain the product to an adequate standard. I'll ask you again.... Have you paid?
CALLER: Well, no.
HELP-LINE: Sorry sir, if you haven't paid, then I can't help you. Goodbye.
Sound of phone being hung up.
CALLER: Damn. I wish I'd bought a Jehovahs Witness faith instead. I could have saved a
fortune on Christmas presents too.
Page Modified May 30, 1999