Bad Mission Experiences

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What Mormon Missionaries Say of Their Missions

Mormon missionaries voice their opinion

A good Mormon seldom vents his true feelings. Such feelings are taught to be suppressed by the LDS Church. However, those who have now shed the Mormon religion partially or completely, comment on their missions and experiences about being asked to go on missions.

The "Recovery From Mormonism" group, one of the most active religious discussion groups on the Internet, encourages those who have problems with Mormonism to openly vent them. It's a healing process that helps those having bad experiences with Mormonism to shed their guilt and gain their lives back. Many personal stories are shared at this site.

On July 16^th, 1999, a particularly interesting series of comments were left in response to someone asking others about their missionary experiences. Several missionaries or those who came close to going on missions responded. Here are those comments:

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The question was posed by the following message:

This morning I was pondering the following and would like some feedback from those who have gone on missions, those who thought about going on a mission and anyone who cares to jump in:

1. Did you feel "pushed" to go on a mission or were you "eager" to spread the gospel?

2. Do you or did you consider your mission the "best two years" of your life? Recently my husband heard a returned missionary say in a talk at sacrament meeting that his mission was NOT the best two years of his life. How good it is to hear someone being honest.

3. If there were no missionary program, would you have found some other way to "spread the gospel"? Did you feel a burning in your bosom that you just had to share what you "came to believe"? I remember the admonition "Every member a missionary."

4. What did you hope to accomplish on your mission? Did you feel you succeeded?

I could go on and on, but I'm probably driving folks nuts with these questions. Again, I'm very interested in getting some feedback.

Thanks!!!

PEACE. =)

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Here are the responses:

Title: I was thoroughly brainwashed

: 1. Did you feel "pushed" to go on a mission or were you "eager" to spread the gospel?

Pushed (gently) by mother (father not member).

Felt pressured by BYU environment.

Also pressured by church in general.

Definitely NOT eager to spread gospel.

: 2. Do you or did you consider your mission the "best two years" of your life?

First 18 months in Japan were mostly bad, with a few pleasant moments sprinkled in here and there.

Last half year was mostly great because (1) I no longer struggled with the language, (2) I developed techniques to effectively avoid missionary work, (3) was able to enjoy the cultural sights, sightseeing, shopping, hanging out with interesting Japanese people, etc.

Of course, the mission prez figured out my lack of dedicated work and I got a few scathing lectures. But finished out the whole thing (got demoted to junior companion at the end but didn't really care)

: 3. If there were no missionary program, would you have found some other way to "spread the gospel"?

NO, even while on my mission, I avoided "spreading the gospel." When teaching people whose lives (and relationships with their families) would be seriously damaged by joining the LDS church, I mostly hoped they would not join. The only baptisms I was a part of was a couple of teenage girls. Amazingly, their parents gave permission for baptism. I felt sorry for them since I didn't think they knew what they were getting into.

: 4. What did you hope to accomplish on your mission? Did you feel you succeeded?

MAIN GOALS

1. Make mother happy. succeeded

2. Achieve "RM" status for later dating purposes at BYU. succeeded

3. Learn a foreign language and experience an interesting foreign culture. succeeded (would have nearly died of boredom if sent to some boring place like Oklahoma or Michigan)

4. Try not to convert anybody unless they really knew what they were getting into. almost succeeded (teenage converts probably went inactive later)

5. Avoid bearing testimony as much as possible. mostly succeeded, believe it or not (when forced, such as zone miss mtg, I would sometimes give wishy-washy testimony like "I know without a shadow of a doubt that God lives and there really is a God and blah-blah-blah" and totally avoided mentioning Joseph Smith or BofM or church is true or all that jazz)

6. Finish out 2 years without getting sent home. succeeded

One time, during a lecture from my mission prez, he asked "Why did you decide to serve the Lord on a mission?" I decided to be honest and answered "because the church pressured me into it, my mother desparately wanted me to go, the only way to succeed with women at BYU was as an RM, and because it seemed like a good opportunity for a poor 19 year old American kid to get out and 'see the world' instead of hanging out in a desolate place like Utah." He was really steamed because I didn't rattle off some standard answer like "I knew the church was true and knew Heavenly Father wanted me to spread the gospel, and wanted to follow the inspired words of the prophet, and felt a burning in the bosom to spread the true gospel of Jesus Christ, and I didn't want to let down God who was counting on me, etc etc" I told him I was just being honest which is preached by General Authorities and required to get a temple recommend. Needless to say, he always considered me to be a troublesome missionary.

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In Reply to: I was thoroughly brainwashed posted by Joe on July 16, 1999 at 09:47:20:

I really appreciated your main goals and I have to say that I certainly shared them, at least at the end of my mission. Towards the beginning, I was leaning a bit more towards "finding out if it really was true like everyone told me," plus "avoid the pressure of having to date women and get married," which obviously we wouldn't share. I also managed to avoid bearing a false testimony by saying things like "I'm grateful for the Church and this mission. I love my parents. I have faith that everything will work out in the end, etc." Not exactly enough to bring down the house but it satisfied the superiors.

Also, I was committed to only "converting" people who had a good reason to join, i.e. everyone else in their family was Mormon or their wife was, or their girlfriend/boyfriend. I told myself I'd only convert (let alone teach) people who would be helped by the Church not harmed by it (if such a thing exists).

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Did you feel "pushed" to go on a mission or were you "eager" to spread the gospel?

I didn't feel pushed at all, but I was very eager to go, which seems like the direct opposite of everyone else. Go figure, huh?

: 2. Do you or did you consider your mission the "best two years" of your life?

Not necessarily, but it was by no means the worst either. I had been in the Marine reserves for a couple of years before going out, so a mission was much more pleasant comparatively.

: 3. If there were no missionary program, would you have found some other way to "spread the gospel"? Did you feel a burning in your bosom that you just had to share what you "came to believe"?

No, I wouldn't have found another way since I live in Utah and everyone is either Mormon already or has been hit up about it a thousand times. Yes, I did feel a "burning in my bosom" so to speak to share what I "came to believe."

: 4. What did you hope to accomplish on your mission? Did you feel you succeeded?

I hoped to experience the joy of leading someone on the path to salvation through acceptance of the Savior, and I accomplished this in one instance (keep in mind I was heavy-duty TBM back then).

However, now that I've seen the Church for what it really is, I of course have a very different perspective toward my own mission. The value I think it gave me was to make me feel much more confident about my decision to leave the Church. Otherwise, knowing me, I would have left it under a permanent nagging feeling of, "If I had gone on a mission, would I have had experiences which would've rendered all these discoveries null-and-void? Would I have gained a testimony or other knowledge which would have given me proper perspective about the Book of Abraham/Post-manifesto ploygamy/whatever?" Having served a mission myself, I know for a fact that missionaries don't know any more than anyone else who does their homework and cracks open the books.

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: 1. Did you feel "pushed" to go on a mission or were you "eager" to spread the gospel?

-----Yes, I felt pushed. I grew up in a good little Morg town in Utar. Everyone expected me to go because that's what good little Morg boys do when they turn 19. I went to get my mother and the bishop off my back, not because of some burning desire to serve god and baptize the world. I really wasn't ready to go out there which contributed to my coming home early--a sin which many drones look upon as equal to denying the Holy Ghost.

: 2. Do you or did you consider your mission the "best two years" of your life? Recently my husband heard a returned missionary say in a talk at sacrament meeting that his mission was NOT the best two years of his life. How good it is to hear someone being honest.

-------No, they were not the "best 2 years".

: 3. If there were no missionary program, would you have found some other way to "spread the gospel"? Did you feel a burning in your bosom that you just had to share what you "came to believe"? I remember the admonition "Every member a missionary."

----------Yes, every drone a mercenary. I have always had a problem with recruiting. As far as I was concerned, if people wanted to get assimilated, then they would get assimilated; but if not, I didn't feel comfortable forcing anything.

---------Some other program? Well, Uncle Constantine would round up all the non-believers and have them executed. That tactic gained lots of followers for the Conspiracy he popularized.

: 4. What did you hope to accomplish on your mission? Did you feel you succeeded?

----------To a good little Morg drone from a good little Morg-Utar town, the mission is just punching the ticket. You're not a good drone if you don't go on a mission. There really are many young ladies who will not even talk to you if you either did not "serve" a mission or if you came home early. I met a girl who berated her brother because he came home after 2 months. She said that he had only gone out because dad promised him a new car. Then he came home early: "What a wimp." And because I came home early, I always felt uncomfortable when anyone started up with "So, where did you serve your mission?"

: 1. Did you feel "pushed" to go on a mission was or were you "eager" to spread the gospel?

>Both:It was "expected"

I learned alot, but there was also plenty of sorrow and people who we really couldn't help. There was just so much we couldn't give them, like how to develop their economy. Some people were really sharp and came up with questions that the Mission President had no real good answers for

I believe in helping others whether it be to learn something they can use to improve their life or how to have fun/ Telling people how they "should" think is a little out of my league

: 4. What did you hope to accomplish on your mission? Did you feel you succeeded?

>I came back and didn't get tossed out. I survived and learned quite a nit too.

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: 1. Did you feel "pushed" to go on a mission or were you "eager" to spread the gospel?

Is that what you mean by pressure? I broke down crying when he told me that (and not from happiness). I could have withstood the pressure from the bishop/angel (I already knew he was a liar), but I gave in to parental pressure.

: 2. Do you or did you consider your mission the "best two years" of your life?

No, I enjoyed very little of it. The worst part was being joined at the hip with a companion. I'd been on my own for awhile by then.

I brought a few people into the church before the mission -- none since!

: 4. What did you hope to accomplish on your mission? Did you feel you succeeded?

I would have liked to bring Honduras out of poverty and adopt all their children, but didn't succeed. But I don't regret my mission. I learned many things, got a new perspective on many things, and best of all, it planted seeds and set up situations that led me out of the church. I might still be in if I hadn't gone.

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: 1. Did you feel "pushed" to go on a mission or were you "eager" to spread the gospel?

I knew that if I didn't go I'd be looked down on, so I guess you could say I was pushed in a gentle, indirect way.

Not hardly. It was interesting, and I've had worse, but it certainly was not the best.

I'm not a salesman. I hate "selling." I think that people should be made aware of the availability of products, but then should be left to decide on their own as to further investigation or commitment. lf "the church" did this, they'd have many, many more active members and happy members, to say nothing of the RS and PH leaders' home and visiting teaching concerns. (But they'd have less total member stats to brag about.)

: 4. What did you hope to accomplish on your mission? Did you feel you succeeded?

Since I was "called" to Japan, I thought I could learn about a different country and culture while trying to find people interested in the message we had. I certainly succeeded in learning something of the culture -- I returned and have lived here now for almost all of my adult life.

As far as "the message" goes, however, I succeeded in making a few people feel sorry enough for me to join "the church," none of which remained active very long.

Because of my mission, I've had the opportunity to learn much and be involved in some very interesting things, and I'm grateful for that; but, it was only the vehicle -- the same could be accomplished through other means.

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: 1. Did you feel "pushed" to go on a mission or were you "eager" to spread the gospel?

Not at all. Probably because I'm a woman. Maybe because I was a convert of only 5 years. In fact my bishop adivsed against my going, because he said I was overweight.

Absolutely not. The mention of that phrase made me feel ill. But I have to say that the cultural experience is one of things that I think, makes me a better, more enlightened person than I used to be. I also appreciate the level of fluency I acquired in Spanish. My non-TBM friends had tried to get me to join the Peace Corps instead. I wish I had listened to them.

Yes, as a convert I had hoped to make others as happy as I thought the church had made me. I still hadn't learned a few of the realities of the church at that time.

: 4. What did you hope to accomplish on your mission? Did you feel you succeeded?

I had hoped to bring joy to the lives of people who were searching. I was VERY annoyed by the push to shove the gospel down the throats of every non-member in the belief that everyone needed the church (I never believed that.)

I also hoped to sort of find out "what I'm made of". I'd say I was somewhat disappointed because my idea of what my mission was didn't match my MPs idea of what my mission was. I felt like a personal failure for not having a testimony of high bap stats.

I hoped to build a stronger, more personal relationship with "God" or whomever. I was always frustrated in this because I didn't think my prayers were answered and I never felt a connection, no matter how much effort I put into the relationship.

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1. Did you feel "pushed" to go on a mission or were you "eager" to spread the gospel?

"Expected" may be a more appropriate word. Because missions were suppose to be wonderful, and I wanted to leave an uncomfortable home environment, I had no reason to not go.

2. Do you or did you consider your mission the "best two years" of your life?

Like the bumper sticker says, "the worst day of regular life is better than the best day of missionary life". I despised it. I didn't like the fact I was ticking off hundreds of people per day; I guess I didn't have the arrogance to believe it was alright. I also got a lot of "babysitting jobs", (maybe because I wasn't as gung ho as I should have been).

3. If there were no missionary program, would you have found some other way to "spread the gospel"?

Nope.

4. What did you hope to accomplish on your mission? Did you feel you succeeded?

To baptize people and bring them into the "correct" way of thinking. The opposite occurred, I was converted "out". (Reminds me of old scratch and the sectarian minister).

The one concept that remains with me is that obedience to irrational rules doesn't mean sh**. The rules have no relevance on whether a missionary is "successful" or not.

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1. Did you feel "pushed" to go on a mission or were you "eager" to spread the gospel?

I definitely felt "pushed" to go, but I also was looking forward to it. I was a TBM.

2. Do you or did you consider your mission the "best two years" of your life?

I considered it at the time and still consider it now 2 very good years in my life. I got to learn a different language and culture (Japan) and I'm very grateful for that. I agree with those who say there are other ways to learn these things, but if not for my mission, I don't know that I would have. I think having experienced another culture was invaluable and I would recommend it to anyone.

I also met some of the neatest people (both Japanese and some of the other missionaries) and some of the biggest a******* (some of the other missionaries) while I was on my mission.

3. If there were no missionary program, would you have found some other way to "spread the gospel"? Did you feel a burning in your bosom that you just had to share what you "came to believe"?

I never felt comfortable approaching strangers with the gospel, but I did try to "plant seeds" with those I knew. I was never shy about sharing my testimony if conversations ever turned to religion. I never did feel a burning, but there were times I felt good about talking about the church.

4. What did you hope to accomplish on your mission? Did you feel you succeeded?

I hoped to bring the gospel to those who would receive it. I wasn't very successful at that. I also hoped to plant seeds that would later bear fruit. Little did I know that eventually one seed that was planted in my mission, that was planted in me, would bear fruit in eventually helping me see past my TBM upbringing.

I am glad I went on a mission, but not for the reasons the church would promote.

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1. Did you feel "pushed" to go on a mission or were you "eager" to spread the gospel?

I was pushed to some degree. I had a lot of friends going on missions and had some RM roommates that 'encouraged' me.

2. Do you or did you consider your mission the "best two years" of your life?

I probably considered it the best 2 years at that time. But there have been many better years since.

3. If there were no missionary program, would you have found some other way to "spread the gospel"? Did you feel a burning in your bosom that you just had to share what you "came to believe"?

NOPE

4. What did you hope to accomplish on your mission? Did you feel you succeeded?

I wanted to work hard and have some success. I think I succeeded. As a bonus I learned Spanish which has been very useful in some situations since then.

With all those positive remarks above, I must say that if I knew then what I KNOW now, I would not have served.

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Being thoroughly brainwashed, and wanting to be like my 3 older brothers, I looked forward to a mission and took it seriously. Though it was hard, I saw it as wonderful to sacrifice for the Lord. I was there with the sole purpose of saving souls from the misery they'd have without the gospel.

In hindsight, I wish I'd have lightened up and had more fun - maybe do some service unrelated to salesmanship. But I was following the program, going for the numbers.

So I saw it as positive at the time, but most cult members will tell you they love what they're doing.

There were benefits - learning discipline, seeing the world, etc. In hindsight I wish I'd gotten those benefits in other ways - peace corps or something.

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After I got home I had nightmares for years that I had been called on another mission. Did this happen to anyone else?

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One of my recurring nightmares... is the dreaded "second mission" nightmare. I am training myself to alter the dream as I am having it. It always starts for me that I'm on a jet, and when I look to see who's sitting next to me, it's the sisters I flew to S. America with. Aghhhhhh!!!!! Not again!!!!!! Now I emphatically announce to anyone who will listen (in the dream) that I didn't sign up for this one of my own free will and I fully intend to turn around for home as soon as the plane lands. This seems to help.

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I also cannot look down a street of row houses without getting this feeling of dread that I use to get when I knew I had to knock on all of those doors.

I also appreciate warm cars and houses during the winter months. I take special delight in being inside where it is warm and cozy after being out in the weather for 8 ro 10 hours at a time tracting. UUUGGHHHH!!!!!!!

I can't believe it was 18 years ago and I still have these feelings.

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I went on my mission about a year after I joined the church. I was 23 years old and had spent about 4 years in the Army during that little ruckus way down yonder in Veetnam.

It was a very definite rude awakening into Mormon culture and the disapointment I felt was overwelming.

During the first half of my mission I was stuck babysitting all the problem elders that were senior companions.

I saw that all the a** kissers were rapidly promoted.(you had to have position to write home about so that your parents could brag about you having a sucessfull mission),

All I can say about it is that I got an honorable release and stuck it out for two years and I'm proud of that.

That damn Utah culture permiated everything, nobody could bring themselves to do anything but traditional techniques even though the Mission president encouraged them to come up with new ideas.

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: 1. Did you feel "pushed" to go on a mission or were you "eager" to spread the gospel?

I never was the least bit interested in going, and didn't pretend to be planning on it, but I changed my mind at 19 because I was pushed.

: 2. Do you or did you consider your mission the "best two years" of your life?

"Honestly, I can't say it was the best 2 years of my life, but I can say this: Out of all of the years of my life, it definitely was two of them"

-Elder Prior (my last DL) That's how I felt. It su****; every hour as a missionary was a challenge to get through.

It was something I did out of a feeling of duty, not something that I wanted people to know about.

: 4. What did you hope to accomplish on your mission? Did you feel you succeeded?

I bought into what they said my goal was; to harvest a lot of souls. I did baptize a couple of people, but my success was average at best. Given how white the field was, I felt like I failed misserably.

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I didn't go on a mission but..... . . I was pushed to go on one. Pushed pretty hard. Pushed by peers, by neighborhood adults, by church leaders, and by parents.

I've related this tidbit before, so please accept my apologies for posting a rerun.

My paternal grandfather stopped by for a visit one day. Mom, Dad, Granddad, and I were all in the kitchen. this was near my 19th birthday and I had recently stopped attending LDS meetings. Without warning, my grandfather asked, "Proof, are you planning to serve a mission." I was stunned because I didn't know what to say. This was not a safe situation for me. But I had to answer - "No." Grandpappy patted me on the shoulder and said, "You're a fine young man." I felt a sudden burst of respect for this man, whom I didn't know well.

As for my parents, neither said a word. But they both gave me that TBM look of disdain, as if to say "How dare you reject the Truth(tm) that we have instilled in you." If looks could kill, I was near death. I felt no love, no compassion, total rejection at that moment. This was the instant that damaged our relationship to the point that I could barely stand being around them.

My relationship with my father was borderline estranged for years following. When we were together, no substantive conversation was possible. The only emotion we could express to each other was anger.

My mother and I, at least, could talk about college.

8 years later, I gave my Dad a hug for the first time ever. It was very awkward for me. It threw my Dad for a loop. He broke a sweat immediately following. But it was the beginning of the end of the Grand Canyon between us.

Today, I can hug my Dad and mean it. Two weeks ago, my Dad hugged me and I felt he meant it. It appears we have both made significant gains in bridging that TBM divide. Participating at this site helped make it possible.

I didn't think I'd write this much. I hope this account offers hope to those who experience a religious chasm in their relationships with family.

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: 1. Did you feel "pushed" to go on a mission or were you "eager" to spread the gospel?

Yes, I felt pushed. I pushed back by not going until I was 21. Even then, I felt like I was doing more what I had to do, rather than what I wanted to do.

: 2. Do you or did you consider your mission the "best two years" of your life?

As far as bringing salvation to people, no. As far as experiencing another culture and learning to accept people raised differently from myself, yes.

No and no. I've never felt that I have to push my beliefs down anyone's throat.

: 4. What did you hope to accomplish on your mission? Did you feel you succeeded?

I mainly wanted to experience personal growth, and not just in spiritual matters. If there were a few baptisms on the way, fine, but that wasn't my main focus. I made some cherished friendships which continue even now. I learned to accept people and love them for their differences, not in spite of their differences. I learned a second language. I learned to question my own beliefs. So yes, I believe I succeeded.

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I certainly felt pushed in that there really was no alternative to going. The alternative was to not go and have my family hate me and be ashamed of me and have everyone I know turn against me. I mean we're only 19 lets face it.

It was a pretty awful experience in reality. All of the great things about a mission that everyone secretly feels really has nothing to do with being a missionary. The people and the place were wonderful and it was nice to be on an "adventure." Being a missionary was really the worst part about it.

My goal was to do what everyone told me was the right thing and to decide for myself if the church was true. I accomplished my goal and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Church was man-made and had all of the benefits and drawbacks of any religion.

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: 1. Did you feel "pushed" to go on a mission or were you "eager" to spread the gospel?

PUSHED ALL THE WAY

The absolute WORST 2 years of my life.

No on both counts.

: 4. What did you hope to accomplish on your mission? Did you feel you succeeded?

To suvive the 2 years and come home honorably; yes I did make it (barely).

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First of all, it was over forty years ago, so my case is anything but typical.

: 1. Did you feel "pushed" to go on a mission or were you "eager" to spread the gospel?

Neither. All my friends went, so it was "the thing to do", but I really wanted the experience. I wasn't "eager" to spread the gospel, but I thought it was the right thing to do at the time.

: 2. Do you or did you consider your mission the "best two years" of your life?

I was the best 2.5 years of my life, up to that time. I enjoyed it. I had very few negative experiences, and I'm very glad I did it. I've had better times since, but it was still, on the whole, a positive experience. I realize that isn't the case for many going out today. We didn't have many rules back then.

: 3. If there were no missionary program, would you have found some other way to "spread the gospel"? Did you feel a burning in your bosom that you just had to share what you "came to believe"?

Like most active TBMs, I looked for ways to "spread the gospel." I just was never very good at it, fortunately.

: 4. What did you hope to accomplish on your mission? Did you feel you succeeded?

My major goal was to learn a foreign language. I succeeded in doing that. I also hoped to "grow up" a little. I did that as well. And, I didn't hurt the church too much in the process.

Now, having said all of those nice things about my missionary experience, that doesn't change the basic fact that JS NEVER had any revelations, the BoM is NOT a historical document, and the Mormon Church is NOT the "One and only true church on earth today."

I don't happen to believe it is a fraud either. At least no more than any other religion. It's just another religion. No better. No worse. Good for some people, but not for everybody. But, it does have some pretty weird beliefs.

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: 1. Did you feel "pushed" to go on a mission or were you "eager" to spread the gospel?

I was a sister missionary, so I didn't feel pushed.

No. It was the hardest 18 months I've ever had to go through. If I had it to do over, I would not have gone. I wanted to come home, but couldn't face the stigma of a missionary who didn't finish mission faces. I came home physically exhausted and an emotional wreck. On the way home, I ditched the elders I was traveling with and by the luck of the draw was put into first class on the plane. I listened to music and drank Coke all the way home to SLC. It was delicious.

Don't know the answer to this. I may have joined the peace corps, if I hadn't been born into the church.

: 4. What did you hope to accomplish on your mission? Did you feel you succeeded?

Help people to bring the joy of the Gospel into their lives. My goals have changed since then.

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